I arrived at the airport a day early. Something only I would do. Apparently my flight leaves at 9am on Tuesday, not Monday. I'm on my way to visit my boyfriend and he had made resevations at a restaurant for Monday evening thinking that I would be there. He rescheduled it for Tuesday, rolling his eyes I can only assume. I show up the next morning to try it again. When I go to check in I'm told that they oversold the seats for my flight and 13 passengers do not have a seat--I am one of those 13. The next flight leaves 10 hours later from my connection. I have my period so my emotions were amplified to say the least. I hold them back as I usually do in life. Now, here I am. Stuck in the Calgary airport for the next 9 hours. Flying gives me anxiety, airports in general tend not to sit well with me. Therefore I refuse to leave the airport, not that there's anywhere I'd like to see in Calgary, and sit at my gate on my laptop trying to be productive. I worry about successfully navigating the airport, missing my flight, or not knowing where to recheck my bag. As funny as that sounds, I actually love travelling. Just not the act of getting from place to place via the anxiety ridden middle man that is flying.
I haven't seen him in one month, which is actually the shortest time in awhile. Before that one week a month ago it was six months. He moved to L.A. around a year and a half ago. We had been dating for over three years prior to him leaving and now it's coming up on five. I can't decide if I L.A. is is somewhere I actually would like to live or not. Do I want to live there for my own reasons or would it only be because he's there? I've been feeling confused lately. I don't think I want a job in the field I've been studying for six years, urban planning and environmental sustainability, as interesting as I find it. I think I want to keep studying for another year and focus on a different interest of mine, programming and web design. Maybe? I want to go travelling to Europe, Fiji, Israel, and to visit my family again in Australia--it's been awhile. I feel like when we are younger, after graduating high school and maybe into first year University, you picture yourself somewhere in life. That place is usually far fetched and unrealistic. I mean, that's what you should do in life, picture yourself where you'd like to be and hope it takes you there. For some it may happen. For me, I pictured myself in a considerably important position at a firm doing something. Something...hoping that this would happen by 25 and I would work my way up to a more valued position by 30. I'm 23. I'm not quite sure if I still want that to happen? Do I want a 9-5 job? Maybe? Do I want my own business or firm? Maybe? I'm scared to put myself in a position where, down the road, I feel I've reached the point of 'success' yet I am still not happy and I'm too afraid to leave. I've learned that a lot of people experience this, and I would like to avoid it. I graduate soon, so I'll have to be making some decisions.
I just don't know what I want.